“Our lives are the only Bible some people will ever read.”
This quote gives me the chills. If someone is looking at my life as a testament of Christ’s life, then I’m failing miserably. There are many things I do in life that don’t resemble Jesus in human skin. I’ve been calling myself a Christian ever since I can remember, but blogging about it creates a whole new height of accountability. Boldly sharing my faith journey online is risky business. I often make myself sound better than I am.
Have you heard Brad Paisley’s song, “Online“? If not, check it out. The lyrics explain how different a person can be online from his or her real identity. In this case, he’s “so much cooler online.”
Sometimes I feel like I’m so much more Christian online. It’s because that’s what I desire. It’s the image I wish to portray in real life. So, in order for you to understand that I’m a sinful human who’s not nearly as flawless as this blog makes me appear, here are some confessions that I’m not so proud of:
1. I went to church last week… for the first time in five months.
My husband (then, fiance) and I attended religiously (literally) every Sunday in college. We loved our church and our pastor. It was vibrant and fun and simply awesome. The music was contemporary and amazing. And we got to know a few people, so we were never nervous about going.
We’ve lived in a new city for over a year now. We shopped around a bit before semi-deciding on a church. Then, we went maybe every other week, only because we weren’t all that enthused. Then, we started treating house hunting like an Olympic sport – going every Sunday afternoon and craving free time on Sunday mornings to catch up on everything usually reserved for the afternoon (you know, fun stuff like scrubbing toilets and folding socks). Next, we moved into our house and that started the five-month streak of consistently skipping church services. Partly because we:
- Prioritized house projects over the weekends
- Were lazy and wanted extra sleep (lame excuse when church is at 11 a.m.)
- Were embarrassed to return
- Had no strong connections
- Are different (though very similar) denominations and couldn’t really agree who should switch
- Missed our old, lively church.
2. When I get mad, I get really mad. And curse…a lot.
I’m really not as quiet as I may come across.
I’m a pretty passionate (and emotional) person. When I’m happy, I’m really happy. When I’m sad, I’m really sad. And – watch out – because when I’m pissed, I’m really pissed. And I use words that are much stronger than “pissed.” It’s something I’m not proud of, and self control over my language and temper is something I need to practice.
3. Some days, I totally forget to pray.
Usually I remember at bedtime. Sometimes in the shower. Sometimes in the car. Rarely ever do I remember before lunch. Or supper. Or any meal for that matter. I also go entire days without even thinking of God. Really, I do. It’s like I’ll temporarily forget that He is with me every second of every day. Sad, huh? I don’t do it on purpose; I do it because I’m a busy worrywart who’s always consumed with what’s next on my to-do list, whether it’s at work or at home. One thing I’ve never been so good at is just being. Sitting, relaxing, breathing and enjoying the moment… without planning my next move. This go-getter attitude has been a blessing in my life. But it also prevents me from reflecting on Him and the many blessings He’s already given me.
4. I listen to nasty music as often as I do Christian artists.
Music is my love. And sometimes I choose the music over the lyrics. Like when I’m pushing myself through an intense workout and prefer Disturbed screaming in my ear rather than a sweet, soft Christian melody. You remember what I said about being a passionate, not-so-quiet person? It’s true of my musical tastes, too. For instance, last week I was headbanging to Coheed & Cambria in concert. I love their music, but some of their lyrics are terribly sinful.
5. I make money my god.
Worrying about my savings account. At times, feeling like money can buy happiness. Planning my next purchase to distract myself from life. Impulse buying. Fighting with my husband about money. Whether it’s concerns over spending or saving, I all too often forget that money doesn’t really matter. I forget that God will always provide and that I already have everything I could possibly need.
I could go on and on about the things I repeatedly do wrong in life. It’s a little scary to publically share my main flaws online, but it’s even scarier that others could be watching my real life story while I’m losing the opportunity to “be the only Bible that person will ever read.”
It’s more about what we do in life than what we say online.